Reflections on my alcoholism at the dawn of a new age.

This Tuesday I turn 21. It is the magical arbitrary age where society-at-large deems me fit to drink. Lately I'll walk into a store purveying beer and just stare at the selection that will soon be more readily available. I can cut out the illustrious middlemen that I've brown-nosed for the last three years of my life. Soon I will truly be in control of my own destiny in regards to alcoholism. The thought made me ponder my personal history of various ethanols, and what it has brought me to.

I remember the first time I was smashed, I was 17. It was no ordinary night in any sense. Never much of a social animal, I never accumulated friends of the glorious age I will soon know. Nobody even "taught" me how to drink, I was only familiar with the concept of being drunk. Being me, I decided to make my own alcohol in the basement. I bought honey, a large pot to cook it in, and bread yeast. As a nutrient, I added one of my father's multi-B vitamins. It worked, I had alcohol, mead to be exact. I remember that smell radiating from the jug I used for fermentation, I'll never forget the sense of accomplishment I felt. I put the finished product in mason jars and brought it to my friend Eryk. We drank in his backyard at 2 AM, stumbling around enjoying each other's company and speaking of the pathetic women in our lives, unconcerned with the fact that the mead tasted like shit. I woke up on the floor of his room, I had the option of using the guest bedroom but I insisted on the floor.

I would brew mead several more times before I gave up during freshman year of college. I tried to make a four-gallon batch and let it ferment over winter break. While I was gone the fermentation froze (I'm assuming they turned the heat down to the point where it killed the yeast), and it was all worthless. By this point, I had suppliers of hard liquor, but I haven't reached this chapter yet.

The first time I blacked out was during a ski trip with various schoolmates. I was shooting hard liquor since 1 PM, and by 11 PM I was hugging a toilet. Between 9 and 11 PM they couldn't find me, I was sleeping under the beer pong table. Apparently, they forced me to vomit by making me shotgun a beer, that part I remember well (i took it in stride, btw). Eventually I vomited and they put me to sleep. When I woke up I was wearing a different shirt and the first person to greet me asked if I was alright. Not knowing what had happened, I started doing jumping jacks and smiling. He was horrified.

Okay, now I'm at this chapter. Once I got to college, I kept relationships with certain people solely to purchase liquor through them. This was the time in my life where I would get smashed on the weekends and wake up the next morning chugging water to stave off the dehydration. One economical poison was the illustrious Devil's Springs. I've had several great memories and some truly terrible ones with that particular drink. My worst being the loss of a new friend, we had too much and I woke up the next morning naked in her bed (oh I wonder how that happened and why!). The situation following that I handled so poorly, and that I didn't know what to make of the night's events, that we never really spoke again. She left the college and I haven't seen her since, I still think about her whenever I see someone reading J.D. Sallinger.

According to the law, I cannot drink until I'm 21. Well, I've been drinking since I was 17 and it has brought me the best of times singing Bohemian Rhapsody and dancing like I've never known. Along with this, it has brought me tremendous physical and emotional hardship. I have said things to friends I'll always regret. I have made a fool out of myself in more ways than I can count. I have tormented my body in the name of excess. There are so many stories I've left out of this post, all interesting but I can't type all of them. I must ask myself, would I have been any better if I could buy alcohol when I was 17? Would I have been better if I had someone around to teach me how to drink? I don't know, I don't even know how to feel about being the middleman for friends and a new generation of drinkers.

This Tuesday, everything will change.